Defiant
by Michaela Will
Summary: Dr. Akagi copes with the aftermath of Rei's self destruction during the Angel attack that leads off episode 23 and muses on the enigma that is Rei Ayanami. Spoilers warning.


_Defiant_

by Michaela Wills

"What did she do that for?" Even now I can't get the thought out of my head. I can't understand her. Truthfully, I'm probably the closest thing she has to a mother figure and I can't tell you why.

In that moment before the explosion, I swear I heard her gasp and softly say "Ikari." That doesn't answer anything though. After all, there are two Ikaris who work in the Geofront. It could have been either one, both have been figures of influence on her. I could tell you that much. In this world, the two people who have become closest to her are Ikari Gendo and Ikari Shinji, partly by design.

"Dr. Akagi, take care of it," was all the elder Ikari had to say about it. Now instead of this being his issue it's mine. I don't have a say in the matter though, I'm just following orders. He expected nothing more from me than to follow orders and fix the problem that she created. Now I'm the one who gets to fix this fine mess. Her remains are with me in this cage he created for her and she is . . . salvageable. However, it does mean starting over with one of those God-awful shells!

With a sigh I enter the components that will allow me to remove on of those . . . shells. I find myself staring at her remains while I wait.

"You knew he needed you for a greater purpose, that you were just piloting Unit-00 to bide time. You knew that, I know you did. So why?"

I know, she said she was replaceable. Words with double meaning. Replaceable as in the Marduk Institute could find another Children. Replaceable as in Ikari Gendo would have her reconstructed. Either meaning can be accepted although I imagine she meant both.  
She's like that.  
She was like that.  
She will be like that.

I don't even know what tense is appropriate anymore. I don't think it really matters though. I take the disgusting piece of flesh and remove it from the LCL cylinder. Without the liquid she is lifeless and I carry it to the table beside the remains. I helped Gendo do this last time, but then I thought nothing of it. I was young and idealistic and Gendo needed someone of my schooling to help him. Then the process didn't sicken me. After time passed I'd come to hope I would never be called upon to do this again.

"Didn't you know that it would come to this? He wouldn't let you die, not while you were still useful to him?" I began working, bloody flesh and bones. How remarkable I'd once found this. Now I find it sacrilegious and revolting.

When she'd said she was replaceable she probably hadn't realized that's not fully true. This one will not be exactly like the previous. She will own the sum of her past life experiences, but will not be the master of them. The first and second were subtly different. The second was more . . . human. More real. Gendo must have realized the risk of her becoming too human were this done too often from that one time. He needs to control this one pilot more firmly than anyone else in Nerv. The less experiences she has and the less human she remains the less effort he has to put into controlling her. She is, like all of us, a tool but more important than most.

I wonder if it isn't already too late.

Ikari Shinji. He means much to her. Both Ikaris do. Perhaps he will become Gendo's biggest mistake. Forcing her to war between two parts of herself. I pity her sometimes. The effects of the borrowed DNA do show occasionally. The one who formerly was her lover now her father figure. The one who was formerly her son now more appropriate to be a lover. I wonder which nature will win now, the dormant wife or the latent mother: That which brings her to feel towards Gendo or Shinji.

For it will change and has been changing subtly. I doubt either has really noticed, but I have. After all, I suppose I am the closest thing to a mother figure, even if I'm a doctor and a woman in competition as well. Her emotions toward Shinji have manifested themselves more fully. It would seem that this would cost Gendo.

I think she did it for Shinji. Actually, I know was to save Shinji, but I don't understand completely why. She knew Gendo needed her alive and was probably under an order or two not to take her own life. Even now I wonder.

Is it already too late?

Was her death really defying Gendo?

Happiness, I know she's learned. Sadness, anger and pain she knows as well. But has she learned defiance? If so, I imagine it was from Asuka. Gendo's second mistake then. It's what I'm beginning to think, that she's stopped being the doll that Asuka claims she is and is acting for herself. That would enthrall the scientific community. Gendo should be more concerned than I believe he is.

Granted, if it were defiance she's exhibited, it is a small and hidden one. After all it looks like she weighed options and chose Shinji's life over hers. Sacrifice, not defiance. However, she'd known Gendo needs her and I'm sure she had to overlook a direct order not to kill herself to make that sacrifice. That is defiance in a small way: An acceptable one, but insubordination none the less.

Next time, I imagine, it won't be as small or as acceptable. She's received full memories of her past two existences. They may be latent, but the sum of those lives will affect her. She's now more human than she was before and that will affect her. Shinji will affect her, as will Asuka. And my slight tampering will affect her.

Gendo's third and final mistake. With what I know on brain patterns, I've brought her thoughts more fully together, repressing nothing. Half the time we'd taken recreating her the first time was repressing her past. I'm not going to bother. She should know as much about herself as we do.

I wrap the final bandage around her head and over her eye, sealing the stitches away. They'll dissolve in a day or two. God, I hate doing this.

I swear, I'll never do this again.

"Welcome back, Rei."


End file.
